Clayton Wick's Blog and Country Time Jamboree

Wherein Randall Munroe Makes Me Feel Bad

2009-08-11T03:44:00.001-04:00

I am trying to be better about the blog thing. Honest.

Re: Religion, In The Thirty-First Century (Pre-Crisis)

2009-08-09T00:24:00.005-04:00

This is Kid Psycho.

Having first appeared in Superboy #125 (December 1965), Kid Psycho is an awfully good guy. All he wants is to help people, and to that end he applied for the Legion of Super-Heroes. He had the ability to levitate stuff with his mind, create impenetrable force fields made of pure will, and, get this, drill a path through time by thinking hard. Awfully sweet, right? All the perks of being Jean Grey, but without having to schtup Scott Summers. Considering that the Legion not only took on a guy named Bouncing Boy, but also saw fit to put him in charge of the universe's greatest superhero team despite his inability to distinguish the difference between soda and super-plastic, the bar for entry is pretty low. So how did Kid Psycho not make it onto the team?

Every time he uses his powers, a year is taken off of his life.

This brings us to the title of this post. I submit for your approval, gentle reader, that by the year 3000 it has become patently obvious that God has abandoned us. No just God, no kind, loving, decent God worthy of worship, would give such an amazing set of super powers to such an altruistic guy and then go "Yeah, but if you use these powers for an issue's worth of action, you'll die."

The Legion, for their part, made him an honorary member. Giving honorary Legion membership to a guy with both a wish to be a hero and this craptastic a drawback to his powers is just asking for trouble. It's as irresponsible as letting Kurt Cobain know where you keep your heroin, your shotgun, and your guitar.

Wikipedia, Man.

2009-08-08T04:29:00.002-04:00

It will destroy your life.

In the late afternoon I looked up... I don't know. Dave Barry, or something. That led into The Friday Night Death Slot.

Then, madness. The history files chart my journey.

Harry Anderson. Pink Lady (band). Rosie Live. Pink Lady (television series). 8 Simple Rules. Boy Meets World. Family Matters. Step By Step. Evening Shade. Burt Reynolds. William Daniels. Trina McGee-Davis. Maitland Ward. Lily Nicksay and Lindsay Ridgeway (they both played Morgan on Boy Meets World, see). Family Matters again for some reason. Jodie Sweetin. Lorimar Productions. Telma Hopkins. Burt Reynolds again. Captain Nice. Magic Kid 2. The Angry Video Game Nerd. Gumbys. Buzz Aldrin. Wikipedia: No original research. Eric Idle. Figment. An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn. The Rutles. Ringo Starr. Figment (Disney character). List of films considered the worst. Monster A Go-Go. Hobgoblins 2. The Room (film). Tim Robbins. Christian Slater. Fucking Waterworld. Estelle Getty. The War Zone. The Hottie and the Nottie. Joel Moore. Christine Lakin. Paris Hilton. Joel Eszterhas. Jaws 3-D. Supergirl (film). Street Smart (film). Eric Wareheim. Tim Heidecker. Fucking Waterworld, again. The Golden Girls. Herb Edelman. Nurses (TV series). Lucy Lane. Santa Claus: The Movie. Let's Go To Prison. Zach Galifianakis. Empty Nest. Superwoman. Kristin Wells. Christopher Columbus: the Discovery. A second trip to the Boy Meets World page, which I do not remember.

I do not, in fact, remember most of these page visits. My thoughts are now devoid of context. Whoever the son of a bitch is who invented tabbed browsing, he has, for tonight only, taken Ronald Reagan's place as The Devil.

Triumphant Return

2009-08-08T04:22:00.005-04:00

And by triumphant I mean it's 4:22 AM as I write this sentence, so at this point anything is seeming like a good idea.

Everything I've attempted to write in the last year or more has come across as so much pure, concentrated Awfulanium, but I know that's due to atrophy. Six years ago I was a pretty good writer. Five years ago I was better. Four years ago I was ready to take on the world and was pitching stuff to a comic book company. Since then, it's all been bad. And by bad I mean nonexistent. The worst first draft can be turned into Hamlet with enough polish, but the blank page is just going to sit there and stay that way. Much like I just sat there.

At any time in the last four years, awesome could have ensued. Awesome didn't. The time for no awesome is over.

Wild POST appears! What will READER do?

2008-08-20T22:28:00.002-04:00

It's been far too long since I updated the blog. I've already assured Economics student Timothy Reginald Murdock that my writing has continued, but it's all been stuff that's either horrid or of even less interest to this blog's readership than my usual posts.

Oh look! A short story!

Once upon a time there was a boy who broke his neighbor's window. A few minutes later the old man limped his way onto the porch.

"Boy! What did you do to my window?" the man asked.

"It was an accident, sir. I was playing baseball." The small chunk of cinder block was heavy and sharp in his pocket.

"I'll be talking to your parents about the window when they get home. Get in here. No point in me keeping your ball." The boy was forced to walk with a slow pace rather than rushing ahead of the old man. It was a few minutes before they were in the living room, and once they were both inside the old man collapsed in an overstuffed recliner. "I was in the kitchen when the window broke. Didn't see where it went. My knees aren't what they used to be, so if you want your ball I'm afraid you'll need to look for it yourself."

The boy pretended to search for the imaginary ball while he scanned the room for something more important. There, on the inside of the corner cabinet, was the golden glowy thing. He continued to look for the ball. Maybe ten minutes passed, and the old man looked to be getting impatient. "Can't find it, boy?"

"I'm afraid not, sir. Do you suppose it could have rolled into that room over there?" the boy asked as he pointed down the hallway.

"That's my bedroom. I don't want you looking around in there, but I'll check as best I can." The old man lifted himself from the chair and made his way down the hall.

The boy was as quiet as he could be. He lifted the hook-and-eye lock and held his breath as the cabinet made a tiny squeak. He took the golden glowy thing off of the shelf and put it back in his pocket. Hearing the old man on his way back from the bedroom, the boy rushed to close and lock the cabinet. Again it creaked, and the boy hoped the old man's hearing was bad. He sat on the couch and tried to act as if nothing had happened.

"I didn't see any ball in there. My granddaughter is coming down to visit in a couple days. I'll see if I can get her to check behind the dresser and under the bed for me."

"Thank you, sir."

"You better get along home, now."

"Yes, sir."

"But would you mind telling me what's in your pocket first?"

The boy looked around, panic-stricken. "What do you mean?"

"I'm not deaf, and it's no accident that I've got a creaky cabinet."

The boy reached into his pocket and held out the golden glowy thing. "I'm sorry. It was just so beautiful."

"Was it worth breaking a window for?" The boy didn't reply, so the old man answered for him. "Yes. Yes it was. This little ball is worth breaking open a window, it's worth breaking into a house, and it's even worth killing a man. Ten men. Twenty-seven, in one case." He held it up so the tiny sunlight was reflecting off of it. The ball looked as if it was full of crashing waves and twinkling stars. "This thing is more than a pretty marble. Much more."

The boy had no idea what to say. Kill a man? He almost turned to run when the old man stepped forward. "I think we can make a deal, boy. You don't tell anyone about this thing, and I won't tell your parents about the window. You stop stealing my valuables, and I'll do a better job of hiding them." The boy nodded in agreement. The man stuck out his hand, the boy shook it, and the boy left.

The boy's parents came home, and true to his word the old man never told them. The summer went and while the boy tried to put the golden glowy thing out of his mind, he still sometimes saw it in his dreams. A few years later, he and his family moved.

His senior year of high school the boy's parents told him that their old neighbor had died. And a few days later he received a small box in the mail, the return address belonging to the house next to the one where he had spent his childhood. He remembered the golden glowy thing. The boy rushed upstairs, opened the box, and reached inside.

Holding the baseball, he laughed.

Fifty Things I Love About Comics

2008-08-05T23:58:00.003-04:00

Figured it was about time to post something relatively positive, so I've taken a cue from mightygodking.com and posted fifty things I love about comic books, in something approaching sequential order.

I'll try and post something not related to comics tomorrow. Promise.

50. The book delays that caused Mysterio's resurrection to be published before his death.
49. Freddie Prinze Jr.'s greatest foe? The Incredible Hulk.
48. Cyclops wanting that Sentinel off his yard.
47. Nick Fury and Samuel L. Jackson being the same guy.
46. "I hid it in the batarang budget. It's bigger than you might think."
45. Spoiler not being dead.
44. Aunt May: Herald of Galactus.
43. Marvel's first company-wide crossover existing to sell action figures and break up a happy couple.
42. The color yellow being a valid weakness for a superhero.
41. Boxing glove arrows.
40. That picture of a Nextwave cast member hitting a T-Rex with a great white shark.
39. The continuity mess that gave Black Canary false memories of sleeping with her own father.
38. Marvel showing us that if you try telling your parents that you and your best friend are superheroes, they'll assume you're gay instead. And they'll probably be right.
37. Deadpool having the same voice as Demi Moore.
36. P-Cat, The Penitent Puss.
35. Ralph & Sue Dibny: Ghost Detectives!
34. Green Arrow explaining to Green Lantern once a month why liberalism rocks.
33. Jay Garrick's hat.
32. Captain Cold.
31. He's a crazy libertarian without a face. She's a lesbian cop who got kicked off the force for not playing by the rules. They fight crime!
30. "That's a lot of ninjas." "It's a bunch." "That's more than the usual amount of ninjas."
29. Ch'p, the squirrel Green Lantern.
28. Booster Gold thinks in Esperanto.
27. Pink Kryptonite. Because it takes a space rock to get Superman and Jimmy Olsen to admit their forbidden love.
26. When Squirrel Girl is around, Doctor Doom knows his place.
25. Jamie Madrox, Multiple Man.
24. Alfred Pennyworth.
23. Stan Lee. We should all hope to be that cool at eighty-five.
22. Barbara Gordon and Black Canary fighting crime together, and both technically being sex offenders.
21. Captain America being a New Deal Democrat.
20. Quicksilver's therapy session.
19. Mary Marvel.
18. Deadpool's infatuation with Bea Arthur.
17. "I've got a 70,000 dollar sliver of radioactive meteorite to keep the one from Krypton in line. All I need for you is a penny for a book of matches."
16. John Belushi had a teleportation ring. Until Silver Samurai stole it.
15. "Stupid jetpack Hitler!"
14. Look! Up in the sky!
13. The Riddler: like a regular criminal, only easier to catch.
12. Molly f'ing Hayes has beat the crap out of Wolverine.
11. The greatest explosion sound effect ever: "BA-THROOM!"
10. Impulse.
9. The way any sentence can be enhanced with the addition of the word "Batman."
8. Luke Cage flying halfway around the planet and beating up Doctor Doom over a debt of two hundred dollars.
7. Blue Beetle
6. Squirrel Girl.
5. Layla Miller. She knows stuff.
4. Booster Gold: The Greatest Hero The World Has Never Known.
3. That story about Daxamite Earth-3 Abe Lincoln that's in my head and will make millions of dollars for DC if they'll only return my phone calls.
2.The other Blue Beetle.
1. Molly f'ing Hayes.

2008-08-03T00:26:00.004-04:00

A couple of years ago I tried to get work with a small press comic book company. One of their requests was that I write a script for a ten-page Spider-Man/Ghost Rider comic. My two goals were to find an excuse to have Marvel heroes fight Hunter S. Thompson and to find a way to hide my complete ignorance of the Ghost Rider character. Miraculously enough I ended up getting the job, but little things like creative differences and hospitalization prevented me from actually getting work done during my time with the company.

Due to popular demand (by which I mean one guy on a message board asking to see the script), I'm posting this monstrosity in its full glory.

PAGE ONE

(1)

ESTABLISHING SHOT: A nice wooded road, somewhere in New York. We have a front-on view of a hot pink convertible, its driver bearing a close resemblance to Clark Kent. This character is JOE Q. REPORTER. This panel takes up the top one-third of the page.

1 CAPTION (JOE): I was somewhere around Albany when the drugs began to take hold.

(2)

This panel is the same size as the first. The background begins to melt, and the drawing gets much rougher and unfinished. Maybe it's just pencilled before coloring and not inked? There are bats in the sky, and the forest has turned to desert. JOE has his head sticking out the side of the car, his tongue hanging out.

2 CAPTION (JOE): My publisher has transferred me to one Daily Bugle, a paper in New York City.

(3)

A black panel taking up the rest of the page.

3 CAPTION (JOE): Under my lawyer's advisement, I have had as much fun as possible on my way.

PAGE TWO

(1)

A splash page of the New York City skyline. Scattered in front of it are the following TV screen-shaped balloons, with various reporters chiming in with the news. At the bottom of the page, the title.

1 CAPTION: One week later.

2 REPORTER THE FIRST: Not since the days of Jack The Ripper has there been a -

3 REPORTER THE SECOND: Police caution motorists to be extremely careful when driving at night -

4 REPORTER THE THIRD: In the last week, there have been thirty-three confirmed slayings -

TITLE: FEAR AND LOATHING IN THE BIG APPLE

PAGE THREE

(1)

J. Jonah Jameson is sitting at his desk shouting into a phone.

1 JAMESON: You've been here a week and you haven't managed to uncover Spider-Man's real identity.

2 JAMESON: Just what kind of investigative reporter are you?

(2)

Joe Q. Reporter is on the other end. He's sitting on a soiled mattress in a sleazy motel. He's propped his phone up with his shoulder, and is using both hands to fiddle with a pill bottle.

3 JOE: Calm down, Jameson. The way I understand it, it's taken you years.

4 JOE: I'm working on a few leads. These things take time.

(3)

Joe Q. Reporter's pill bottle opens, sending pills everywhere. The phone flies off into some corner of the room.

(4)

Joe Q. Reporter is on his knees, scooping up a handful of pills with his hands. A DEAD HOOKER is on the floor, and appears to have been strangled.

(5)

Joe is popping a handful of pills into his mouth.

5 JOE: Maintain, man. Maintain.

6 JOE: Spider-Man is the problem. Not you.

(6)

A closeup of Joe's left eye, now glowing red.

7 CAPTION (JOE): Fix the problem, get more pills.

8 CAPTION (JOE): Fix the problem, keep your job.

9 CAPTION (JOE): All roads lead to Spider-Man.

PAGE FOUR

(1)

Night time. Spider-Man is swinging through the city, on patrol.

1 SPIDER-MAN (Singing): Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a-

2 (From off panel) FX: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

3 SPIDER-MAN: Time to get serious.

(2)

A hulking, monstrous-looking Joe Q. Reporter holds a woman up against a wall with one hand.

4 JOE: That's right. Scream for me. Bring the spider to me.

(3)

Spider-Man springs into action, dropkicking Joe Q. Reporter in the back.

5 FX: THWACK

(4)

Spider-Man falls. It looks as if his dropkick did absolutely nothing to Joe Q. Reporter.

6 SPIDER-MAN: What got into this guy? That dropkick didn't even budge him.

PAGE FIVE

(1)

GHOST RIDER stands in Joe Q. Reporter's motel room. The dead hooker is at his feet. In this panel, we only see him from the waist down. This page should almost be a splash page, with this panel and the next together only taking up about the top third of the page.

1 CAPTION (GHOST RIDER): This was a pointless death. There was no reason for this woman to die.

2 CAPTION (GHOST RIDER): That smell... sulfur.

(2)

A close-up of Ghost Rider's flaming skull.

3 CAPTION (GHOST RIDER): Mephisto was responsible for this. The entire city could be in danger.

(3)

Ghost Rider, speeding through the city on his flaming motorcycle. This is the page's glory shot, and should convey the sheer seventies awesomeness of the Ghost Rider character design.

4 CAPTION (GHOST RIDER): I pray to whatever god will listen that I'm not too late.

PAGE SIX

(1)

Spider-Man's head has been slammed against a brick wall. We see his slightly-ripped mask, Joe's hand, and a wall in this panel, and not much else.

1 FX: CHUNK

2 JOE: Just die. You'll make things easier on both of us that way.

(2)

Spider-Man, half-embedded in the wall, shoots a web into Joe's face.

3 SPIDER-MAN: Mom always said I liked to do things the hard way.

(3)

Joe Q. Reporter is flailing around, trying to hit anything that moves.

(4)

Spider-Man lands a few solid punches in rapid-fire sequence into Joe Q. Reporter's back, but can't even make a mark.

PAGE SEVEN

(1)

Joe Q. Reporter rips the webbing off of his face.

(2)

Joe Q. Reporter punches Spider-Man hard in the chin.

(3)

Spider-Man lands in a pile of trash on the sidewalk.

(4)

A flaming motorcycle pulls up in front of Spider-Man. Ghost Rider is all that's standing between Spider-Man and certain death at the hands of Joe Q. Reporter.

1 GHOST RIDER: As long as there is a breath in my body, you will not touch him.

(5)

A close-up of Joe Q. Reporter's left eye. It's not glowing red anymore.

2 CAPTION (JOE): Oh, no. The pills are wearing off.

PAGE EIGHT

(1)
Joe Q. Reporter takes off down an alley, trying to make it to his pink convertible.

(2)

Ghost Rider offers a hand to Spider-Man.

1 GHOST RIDER: Are you all right?

2 SPIDER-MAN: I'm all right if your head's on fire.

3 GHOST RIDER: It'll do that.

(3)

Joe Q. Reporter is in his car, speeding around the corner and onto the street.

4 CAPTION (JOE): There is a misconception that, when pursued by a superhero, you should pull over.

5 CAPTION (JOE): This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the superhero's heart.

6 CAPTION (JOE): Make him chase. He will follow.

(4)

Ghost Rider is pursuing Joe Q. Reporter on his motorcycle. This is a behind-the-shoulder shot.

7 CAPTION (GHOST RIDER): I let him think he'll get away... for about two seconds.

8 CAPTION (GHOST RIDER): I try hard not to enjoy this.

PAGE NINE

(1)

Joe Q. Reporter takes another turn. Spider-Man, perched on top of a nearby building, is watching him.

1 SPIDER-MAN: Let's see how he takes a dropkick now.

(2)

A side-view of the action: Spider-Man jumps off the rooftop and starts his dropkick (from the right of the panel) as Joe Q. Reporter speeds down the street. Ghost Rider is in hot pursuit.

(3)

A view as if we're in the convertible's back seat. Spider-Man crashes through the windshield and catches Joe Q. Reporter square in the face.

(4)

The car swerves and crashes into a drug store (which now has a new drive-thru window, courtesy of the car).

PAGE TEN

(1)

Joe Q is webbed up and hanging upside down from a light pole, with police trying to cut him down. Spider-Man and Ghost Rider stand on a building above the action.

(2)

The two stand side by side. This is a basic two-shot of their faces.

1 SPIDER-MAN: Thanks for the assist, uh...

2 GHOST RIDER: Ghost Rider.

3 SPIDER-MAN: Ghost Rider. Thanks.

4 SPIDER-MAN: Do you think the killings will stop now?

(3)

Mephisto's face, grinning at the reader.

5 GHOST RIDER: No. I'm afraid they've just begun.

END